Today
As I lay in bed trying to get Livie to sleep last nite I found myself thinking about what tomorrow (today) would bring. I could already feel it would be a crappy day. My step-daughters are headed home to Canada today after being here for almost 5 weeks. Tristan, Alec and Isabel are back with the ex for the last 12 days of their summer visitation. And it’s been 12 years since my little sister, Nicole died. In the past when I’ve written on this anniversary I kept it reflective on her and her life. But this year… Idk, I feel bitter. There’s a few things that have happened in the past regarding Nicole’s death that pissed me off and I never responded to any of these things. I’m responding now in hopes of it somehow helping me feel better, to heal.
* At a grief support meeting I went to with my mom a man asked “Do siblings even grieve?” My mom answered kind of by saying that she knew siblings grieved because she had to carry some of the grief of her younger children. I think I was too stunned to even answer. My heart was crushed and literally hurt in my chest and this man was asking if we grieve?!? So to that man and anyone else who wonders if siblings grieve here is my answer: YES. Yes we grieve. And we all grieve differently. I’m a more private person (not that you’d gather that from my blog.) When it came to crying or wailing, I preferred to do it alone. Grieving is very personal and there is no “right” way. We not only grieve for the loss of our sibling, we grieve for the loss of the parents we knew. We grieve for the loss of the futures we had planned with that sibling. Yes sir, we grieve.
And just to be clear- as a parent I know that the grief a person feels for the loss of the sibling is no where near the grief a parent feels after the loss of a child. I KNOW that. I also know the pain I felt and still carry, and I realize it’s only a small glimpse into what a parent would feel after losing a child.
* A girl who knew Nicole, and had been close to her at one point in her life told me, “When Nicole died it was like my sister died.” To her I would say… no it wasn’t. Is New Years Day lame because the birthday girl is missing? Is it weird to take family pictures at Christmas because not everyone is there? No. It wasn’t like your sister died. I understand close friendships. I really, really do. But I also know your relationship with Nicole, and no, it wasn’t like your sister died.
* Another girl who Nicole knew, but was not even close to being best friends with- at all- stood up in church in January 1998 and said, “Yesterday was the 1st birthday of my best friend since she died…” I hate how everyone becomes the “best friend” of a person after their death. Nicole’s “best friends” were Emily and John. Plain and simple. And I’m really sorry that 1st birthday of Nicole sucked for you. Did you think about my parents and maybe give them a call? I’m pretty sure that birthday sucked a lot more for them. I remember that 1st birthday after she died. My parents and siblings went to Nicole’s grave and released balloons. I didn’t go because my husband (now ex) decided to leave me to go play paintball while I was bawling my eyes out on the couch. I didn’t want to be an emotional wreck in front of my family because I’m private like that, so I didn’t go. What did you do that day?
There. I feel better I think. Bitter? Yes. Harsh? Yeah, ok. I miss Nicole. The last few months, for some reason, have been hard. I looked thru some old letters she wrote me when I was out in the wilderness. It made me miss her more. I am thankful I AM her sister. And if I don’t screw this up, I can be with her forever. 
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I’m sorry Tori. I know this is a hard day for you. I can’t even imagine! Love you!
What you wrote about grieving for the loss of the parents we knew and the loss of the future you had planned with your sibling is so beautiful.
These are the times we are so blessed to have an understanding of the Plan of Salvation and the knowledge that families can be together forever. Hugs to you.
.-= yvonne´s last blog ..Who is Really Teaching Who??? =-.
That is a wonderful post Tori. I can’t imagine how hard this day must be for you. I’ll be thinking of you today. *HUGS*
.-= Stacey´s last blog ..A Few of My Faves =-.
Let it out, keep it going, however YOU need to. You’ll be together forever. I love you.
.-= ~j.´s last blog ..saturday date with superstar =-.
Aw Tori… I’m sorry… and sometimes being bitter is just fine. It’s hard and you’re right, people grieve differently. I love Nicole and I love you too girl. And although I’ve thought about y’all a million times over the last 10 years I never did pick up the phone or write a letter or anything… sorry about that. I think the last time I even saw you was Nicole’s funeral. I remember when we were kids y’all used to take the best family pics every year. I also remember the Christmas after Nicole died y’all still took the pic but put her pic up at the top like up on a cloud. I loved that…
{{{Tori}}}
I hate how everyone becomes the best friend, too. especially when they weren’t that close before. Why not just say “someone I admired, was jealous of, wished I was closer to,” whatever that truth may be?
You are right about everyone grieving differently. I would like to add that there is no right way to grieve. The only wrong way would be if your grieving would cause harm to another person.
There is also no time limit on grieving. I’ve seen people who grieve a spouse of 60 years grieve for decades. It’s not always as intense as immediately after the death, but there are times when things happen or thoughts of your loved one come and you grieve.
Ok, I”ll go now. I, too, have a really strong opinion on grieving. I am so grateful that you remember your sister and take time to honor her once a year. That is a great way to keep her alive in your family.
.-= Klin´s last blog ..Gratitude =-.
I think I would have slapped that guy. Idiot.
I miss ALL my sisters today!
.-= swampbaby´s last blog ..12 Years =-.
I know what you mean about people saying crap like that after someone has died. Suddenly everyone was that persons best friend. It’s such an attention whorish thing to do. Crab Bags. I’m sorry for your loss. I’ll have to look at the related posts so that I understand it a bit more.
.-= Not So Average Mama´s last blog ..Our New Favorite Friends! =-.
Hi Tori, I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my beautiful 23 yr. old son December 1991. Every June, his birthday and every christmas I nearly lose my mine with grief. Some people think we should be over it but no, NEVER! Yes, siblings grieve, my only son grieves everyday but won’t talk about it .
Love you Tori
Martha
Ala. Grandmother
Great post, Tori. Some years the anniversary of the death of my dad and his birthday are harder than others, and it seems like on the “easier” years some people feel like I’ve gotten over it. The death of a loved one is something we get through, but I don’t think we ever get over it. Thinking of you today!
I am sorry girl…i understand all of what you said…and then some!
Tori, I’m sorry that you have to feel this kind of pain. I’m glad you have letters from your sister. I don’t know why, but there is just something comforting about holding something from a person you love. It sounds like you have wonderful memories of her too! Sisters really are the best! ***Hugs***
I’m so sorry for all the hurt you feel. I know from experience that siblings DO grieve, as you said. I’m not always sad on my brother’s birthday…for me a memory will suddenly come into my mind and I’ll find myself crying.
.-= nancy face´s last blog ..Cardboard Edward goes to Girls’ Camp??? =-.