The tragedy in Ogden, Utah, where 6 police officers were shot, killing one, has weighed heavy on my heart. Maybe it’s because we lived in Utah for 7 years. Maybe because there were SIX men shot at once. I don’t know. But something changed in my head and heart. I worry more about Seiuli. I’ve always worried and stressed, but it’s different now. And it’s not just me. I feel like I have taken a little bit of innocence away from my almost-6 year old…
This is a video tribute someone made for Officer Jared Francom.

I was watching it with the older kids. It’s a beautiful tribute. But when Livie came in and asked why there were so many police cars in the “movie” I told her, “Because a policeman died and they are there to honor him.” Then she asked, “Why’d he die?” I have a horrible habit of being VERY honest with my kiddos. I looked at her and said, “A bad man shot him.” I didn’t think much about it until I found these pictures she drew and folded up in her little purse:

 

Bless her little heart. She also cried. She also begged Seiuli not to go to work and has told me repeatedly, “I don’t want Daddy to work anymore.” I don’t know how to comfort her really because I don’t know how to comfort myself. I have bad nights when I am crying in bed just praying that Seiuli comes home. The other night I talked with another police wife who’s husband works on my husband’s shift. She lives near where our husband’s work and could hear the sirens and helicopters flying over her house. They were hunting an armed robber. Holy stress. Then I receive a call from Seiuli- HE caught the robber, at gunpoint, after running down a dark alley and jumping a fence. Yay for catching robbers. Boo for making my heart stop as he told me the story. But I digress.

I feel like a loser mom for being so honest with Liv. I should have given a more thoughtful answer. Instead my big mouth spoke before I let myself think it through and now she’s scared and worried about her daddy… I’m old enough to work to my emotions and handle the stress. I feel horrible that she is feeling even a tiny glimpse of what I feel every time Seiuli straps on his duty belt… and even worse because it’s my fault.

Psh- I WISH I was OCD about SOMETHING. I am definitely NOT a neat-freak or a germ-a-phobe or anything like that.  I don’t care if my vacuum lines are walked on or not straight. I’m ok with my random piles of papers on my desk.  My family probably wishes I had just a little OCD, but alas… they are out of luck. I tried to think of something I do a lot or worry about on a regular basis. This is what I came up with:

• I brush my teeth. A lot. I have ever since I got braces back when I was 12. I mean, I brushed them before that, but now I brush them at least 4 times a day. I don’t like to have a not-clean feeling in my mouth. I brush right when I wake up, after I eat breakfast, another random time during the day, when I shower at night, and usually again after that. I CANNOT go to bed without having just brushed my teeth. It feels gross.
• I check locks. I lock and re-lock my car doors when I get in the car. I lock them on my way out– I inadvertently lock my kids in the car before they can get out on a regular basis.  I deadbolt the front door immediately when I come home. And it bothers me that my backdoor isn’t locked all the time because the dog and kids are running in and out. I like things locked. It’s safer. I guess I am pretty OCD about my safety in general. Ask my husband. He’s the cop and I helped him prepare a class on personal safety. He taught a bunch of my tricks.  

All in all I guess these aren’t bad things to be “OCD” about, if you’d even call it that. I honestly couldn’t think of anything else. What are you OCD about?

I have been struggling with a lot of things all at once; spiritually, physically, emotionally… I have been feel like my relationship with the Lord is not as it should be. I have gained waaaay too much weight- I hate my body. I am out of shape and it’s all my fault. Emotionally… I was taking Seiuli for granted and putting our relationship on the back-burner. I have been feeling over-whelmed  with the need to change and not knowing where to start!  But today I found a quote today that hit me.

May we go with determination to try a little harder to be a little better.

- Gordon B. Hinckley

He didn’t say “Know everything and do it all now!” or “You suck!!” He said TRY a LITTLE harder to be a LITTLE better. Little changes here and there can make a huge difference. It doesn’t matter if you are Christian or not. It doesn’t matter if you are stick thin or obese.  Everyone can TRY to be better!! I have set some new goals and made some changes. I will be limiting my Facebook time. I go back to school in 2 weeks– 13 hours!!  I will be working out more. I found that I LIKE to walk.  I hate running, but I enjoy walking and that time alone. I’ve challenged myself to study the scriptures more and also to just read uplifting things each day– like the quote I found today!!! I WILL try a little harder and I WILL BE a little better!!

Sorry y’all. It’s one of those days, weeks, whatever. Maybe I just have PMS, but I am tired. I am tired of my house always being a mess no matter what I do to change it. I am tired of being expected to WANT to clean up after people. I am tired of doing the same things over and over again, sometimes several times a day and no one notices or care enough to say anything. So, here’s my list. It’s a list of crap I’ve done in the last 5 hours that no one either notices or cares to acknowledge. I know it looks like I do nothing all day. You know why? Because I have the tazmanian devil and his sister living here constantly dragging out new things after I’ve picked up other things. I have a dog who likes to lie in the dirt outside and then come in and lie on my wood floor. I have a husband who apparently doesn’t remember where our closet is. Nothing against him- he is awesome and I am lucky to have him. He works hard at 2 jobs so that I don’t have to work outside the home. The difference: He gets paid at both jobs with money, nice lunches, letters of gratitude, awards, and he also gets a lot more sleep than I do, contrary to popular belief. I don’t even get a “thanks!” That’s why I loved school so much the last 8 months. I made straight A’s for all 16 hours I took. I made the Dean’s list AND the Chancellor’s list!! I never cared about grades before, but wow- I felt like someone was acknowledging my hard work. I worked hard and my teachers said “Thanks for working hard!” by giving me an A!

So, here’s the list. I am starting this at 7:48 am on Saturday, July 30. These are things I did that I am positive no one will notice. And let’s not forget the school supply shopping trip yesterday, watching the movie “The Smurfs,”– I wanted to see “Cowboys and Aliens…”, the 3 hours I spent creating a photo album online with all our pics from Florida- a book everyone will love looking at, but never think to thank me for making. I was up til 3am doing this because it was finally quiet and I could concentrate.

• Broke up Taj and Liv fighting– the 1st words out of my mouth this morning were: “Guys…please stop.”
• Picked up seven- yes 7- pairs of shoes out of my bedroom floor. None of them belonged to me. 6 of them belonged to the person I share the room with and 1 belonged to Liv.
• Swept the wood floor.
• Mopped the wood floor.
• Broke up Taj and Liv fighting.
• Swept again.
• Cleaned the tv so it’s free of hand prints.
• Cleaned the floor of the 1/2 bath on my hands and knees. This is the room where our dog sleeps. I do this on a daily basis.
• Broke up Taj and Liv fighting.
• Taught Liv 10 new words to read.
• Fixed breakfast and lunch for Taj and Liv, including a sandwich “cut like a puzzle.”
• Changed the scentsy scent- I think this helps calm the house.
• 1 load of laundry. (3 oldest are at the exes so this may be all the laundry today! Did 3 loads the other day…)
• Swept kitchen floor.
• Wrote Taj a talk for sunday school at church.
• Helped Taj practice his talk.
• Helped Liv log in to Webkiz… she forgets her user name sometimes.
• Helped her find the “princess games” on Disney.com
• Washed Indy because she got muddy outside.
• Showed Taj the new Dog 101 shows I dvr’d for him.
• Counted how long Liv can dribble the basketball.
• Yelled “Shhhhhhhh!! Dad’s asleep!!” about 300 times.
• Cleaned the “White out” out of the carpet…. grrrr
• Loaded dishes in the dishwasher
• Wiped sticky cereal off the table.
• Collected about 40 movies/dvds that had been brought downstairs from the a closet upstairs.
• Dusted a lot in the living room.
• Rearranged the shelf in the piano room.
• Framed a pic of Seiuli’s grandma
• Broke up Taj and Liv fighting.
• Broke down crying because I am so tired of the fighting!!
• Made my bed.
• Wiped pee off the toilet seat several times.
• Tried to figure out how to get onto Xbox Live chat so Taj and Liv could chat with Alec– you know, because a cell phone just won’t be fun enough!
• Took Taj and Liv to the pool. Not really that relaxing when you’re taking a 5 and 7 yr old. So thankful they are both good swimmers!!

The house still looks like crap and I’m still grumpy.

Warning: Post contains curse words.

When I signed up for Facebook a year or so ago I never knew it would blow up like this. It was fun to reconnect with old friends, see where everyone ended up, etc… It was easier than reading blogs and leaving comments. I find myself wishing that blog posts had a “Like” button because I’ve become lazy.  I don’t even post as much on MY blog because I post pics on FB and update my status. But lately the fun has been sucked out of it.

A few examples:

1) My 15 yr old nephew wrote something on his status and included a bad word. It wasn’t a major thing, but still… Well, his great aunt took it upon herself to preach via comment to him about the inappropriateness. THEN she took it one step further  and messaged his mom to tell her that my nephew is on a self-destructive path and would end up losing his church membership. Really? I’m not trying to sound like an uncaring parent, and if my son wrote that word on his FB page he’d be done with FB for a while, but I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that he is headed straight to hell. But you know, that aunty has no kids, so she knows!!

2) My sis-in-law posted a political status and “friends” ripped her a new one- on her own wall.  Um, no. You can have a civilized political discussion, but when you start attacking that’s not right. I have a few friends that love Obama. (*cough Cheryl* *cough Omar*) but we aren’t hateful to each other because WHAT GOOD WOULD THAT DO?? I can state my opinion without being a bitch and others should be able to do the same.

3) Last year there was this silly status thing going around supposedly to raise awareness for breast cancer and to “empower women.” Ok, we all know that’s a load of crap. Let me repeat: If you think that posting your bra color will raise breast cancer awareness IT WON’T.  How is posting my bra color gonna empower anyone? IT’S NOT. But I still did it because no men knew why I put “green and purple” as my status. It was just silly fun, in my eyes. And last time I checked it was MY Facebook wall…  This year you’re suppose to put the place you set your purse. I guess you’re suppose to put “I like it…” in front of the place. I didn’t. I put “On the entry way floor and sometimes the kitchen the counter.” Obviously it can lead to people thinking about sex. Maybe I’m immature or totally inappropriate or whatever, but I thought the answers were funny. I saw one friend put “I like it on the hook.” That cracked me up. But now statuses are popping up all over totally reprimanding friends for putting things like that in their status and “Would you say that in public?” Um, hi, did I not just say it “in public”?  That’s one thing I can say- if you read my blog and then meet me in person, my humor doesn’t change. My personality doesn’t change- although I’m probably more quiet in person. Not shy, just quiet. I don’t change who I am “just in case” a particular person reads my status. If you don’t like my posts block them or unfriend me. I actually have other things to worry about. I’ve definitely seen things on “friends” pages that piss me off. There’s one friend who’s friends always talk about how cops suck. That makes me so mad and I want to comment with a big middle finger- but it’s not my wall. As long as they aren’t writing “F**k the Police” on MY wall, then it’s not my problem. I just don’t look at that wall very often. And before someone says, “Well, they can reprimand on THEIR wall if they want to…” Yes they can. And I can write a post about how you need to chill out.  Who are you? My mom?  Here’s a thought: Just don’t post where you like your purse. I guess I’m just tired of feeling judged or “in trouble” all the time.

If you look in the groups I’ve joined I am a part of “I hate bullshitters” and “I’m not a bitch. I just have a low tolerance for bullshit.”  You know why? Because it’s true. Could I have found a group that didn’t cuss? Maybe, but it may not have gotten my point across as well.  My top activity on my FB profile is “Making out with my husband” because that is an activity I enjoy. I also joined “Remove the group F**k the Police from Facebook” except it spells out the F word. I feel STRONGLY about that cause and you know what- we got it removed because it promoted violence against police.

But what if the CHILDREN see any of those??!?!? I’m sure they’ve seen worse in high school. And just a thought- you shouldn’t be letting your kids “friend” adults anyway.  Also, I don’t hide crap from my kids. I talk to them about things and they know I hate bullshitters and that I set my purse on the counter. lol Get a grip people.

If we were wanting a ticket to Hollywood, Livie would be it. But actually I’d rather have a one-way ticket to Hawaii…. But I digress. Livie is very animated. She also LOVES music. We’ll be jammin’ the car and she’ll say, “What’s this song? Who sings it?” Today we were listening to Marvin Gaye and she asked who it was. I told her and she said, “Are you sure? It sounds like Michael Jackson…” lol Anyway, she loves Ke$ha songs, which probably earns me the Bad Mommy Award- again- but whatever.

She loves to dance and sing and make movies…. So, without further adieu I present “Livie doing Tik Tok“: (If you like the video could you comment and like it on You Tube? Thanks!!)

Livie is funny. She says things all the time that make it very obvious she has older siblings– or a mom who has become lax in her language around her kids…  I’m thinkin’ it’s the older siblings.

Anyhoo… today at the pool she was swimming– like a 4yr old BIG GIRL with NO FLOATIES I might add– and she swam to the side where Sei was sitting. He grabbed her with his feet and wouldn’t let her go.

She said, “Let me go bitch!” Sei and I looked at each other and said, “What??” And again she said, “Let me go bitch!!” Sei, the bitch, let her go. My brother was like, “Did she just say what I think she said?”  So I asked her, “What did you say to Daddy?”

“Let me go BRIDGE!!!”

Apparently Sei’s legs were the bridge and the bridge caught her… Whew! Can’t pin this one on me.

Whoa y’all. Sorry for my delay in approving comments, posting winners on giveaways, etc… etc… I have been sick the last 3 days. My head is still all fuzzy as I type this, but atleast my fever is gone. I hate being sick. I don’t think anyone likes it but when I’m sick I feel guilty because Sei is doing all the things I feel like I should be doing. I miss my kids because I’m holed up in my room. I’m leaving mom’s hanging that I usually babysit for. I missed Tristan’s football game. Grrr. It sucks.

But in all the suckiness I found a  few pros:

• Livie brought me a handful of popcorn, sat it on my sidetable and whispered, “Here’s some popcorn Mommy.”
• Sei waited on me hand and foot and our house is cleaner than it’s been in a long time. He’s better at my job than I am.
• Taj wrote me a song on the piano and sang it to me. I need to record him next time. I know he said something along the lines of, “Feel better my angel…”
• My mom brought us dinner and popsicles.
• Livie brought me a raw rotini noodle and whispered, “Here’s a noodle for you Mommy.”
• My looks are entertaining Sei. He asked me, while laughing,  “Can I take a  picture?” and then proceeded to tell me I looked kinda like one of the “yearbook yourself” pics on Facebook.
• I haven’t eaten for 2 days so maybe I lost weight. haha

So yesterday after I was done watching the kids I babysit we took the kiddos (all 7) + my lil sister (not so little- she’s 15) to the lake to swim, eat pizza, hang out. On the way there I was controlling the music because that’s what I do- control things. I love to play songs that drive Tristan, my 14 yr old, crazy. Which songs would that be, you ask?

• Californication by Red Hot Chili Peppers
• The Thong Song by Sisqo
• Simple Kind of Life by No Doubt
• Summer Girls by LFO

WHY do these songs drive him crazy?? Oh, because he was just the cutest stinkin’ 5 year old back in the day that didn’t know any better than to “raise the roof” when The Thong Song came on. I’d look back in the backseat of the car and he was just ajammin’ away in his lil booster seat. SO.CUTE. Simple Kind of Life was a fave of mine and for some reason I made my poor kiddos act out the video. Hey, I was a weird, newly single mom. Acting out videos with my kids was entertainment to me. lol  And Tristan was so cute doing it!  Summer Girls… I think he just hates that because it says “New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits. Chinese food makes me sick…” The lyrics are so dumb, but I like it. My personal fave line “When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet. Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole buncha sonnets…” Ahh yeah…  Californication is a pretty cool song. Tdog is just embarrassed because when he was like 7 he’d say “Oh yeah Californication! This is my favorite song!!” and now, I tease him. That’s my job.

Some of y’all may be strokin’ out that I had my 5 yr old listening to The Thong Song, but we all know Taj can sing “Low” by Flo Rida and now Liv can not only sing “Teenage Dirtbag,” She also sings “Gives You Hell.” I should say what Isabel’s stepmom told her, “Are they cursing at us? That is NOT appropriate!” after Isabel told her “Gives You Hell” was a fave of mine. The stepmom promptly switched it to a Christian station. But you know… I’m good. I couldn’t call myself a brat if I did that.

Go ahead. Let me have it. Tell me what a bad mom I am…

BABY UPDATE:  Addison VICTORIA  (named for her fave aunt- ME!!) was born at 5:01pm. She was 9 lbs. 2.4 oz. and 20 3/4 inches long. Mom and Baby are doing SUPER GREAT!!

* My sister, Swampbaby, is being induced today to deliver her 1st baby girl. She has 3 boys already, so this is supah exciting!! I’ll give updates when I have them. Go wish her luck. Just click on her name.

* I learned a lesson this week. Ok, apparently staying home with babies all week makes me lose ALL patience. So, when people do stupid things like, oh, let’s say pull in front of our car, blocking all traffic in all directions, then just sits there, not making eye contact with anyone for the length of the red lite… yeah, it’s annoying. I seriously wanted to throw the drink I was holding at his car. (Which Sei advised me is techinically NOT a crime unless it causes damage…) Anyway, instead I yelled, “Get the hell outta the way jacka$$!” I have NO idea where this came from because it’s not something I usually yell. About 2 seconds later I remembered Taj and Liv were in the backseat when I heard Liv yell, “Jacka$$!”  Doh! BAD MOMMY!!!