September 11, 2001 is a date none of us will ever forget- at least we shouldn’t. It changed all of us to some extent. I know that day all I wanted was to be married to Seiuli. We were engaged, but now it seemed more important for him to be my husband. We eloped Sept. 14, 2001. I am proud to be an American and I am so grateful for our troops and their sacrifice. But I think over the years although never forgetting 9/11, I didn’t do all the things I told myself I would after that day. I was going to be a better person, a better mom, an awesome wife, a great Christian… my existence was going to matter and make a difference. 9 years later I know I haven’t lived up to those plans. I am struggling with my relationship with God. Not because He pulled away from me, but because I pulled away from Him. I was angry for our trials last year of being sued by both exes, not seeing my step-daughters for over a year, blaming God for our move to Texas and hating it here. I felt like he had left our family and now I know that’s not true. He never leaves.

Today as I took the kids to the airport to greet the returning troops I thought about my life and how I’ve managed to screw it up. I’ve been thinking about it a lot the last few weeks and slowly I’ve been trying to adjust my attitude. I’ve been reading the scriptures. I’ve opened up to Sei about my struggling- which he could already see. Apparently my fake smile doesn’t work on him… But then today, after watching videos of 9/11 news reports, etc… it hit me: I have been so selfish and self-absorbed.  It makes me think of that quote on Robin Hood that Morgan Freeman says to Kevin Costner (and I say to my kids all.the.time),  “You whine like a mule. You are still alive.”  I AM still alive. I have a 2nd chance (or more like 4,000th chance) to make this right! To live right! I wonder how many of the people in the Twin Towers had plans to live a better life? The fallen firemen,  police men, soldiers? They don’t have that chance. I do.  So, I am officially ending the Tori Pity Party. It’s not going to be easy. I still have a lot of pain and anger to work thru. But now I’ve decided to let God help me thru it. He wants to, I just have to ask.

How lame is it that it took 3000+ people dying 9 years ago and thousands of soldiers dying in war to get my head on straight?

God bless the victims of 9/11. God bless the soldiers. And God bless America.

I was at a Mary Kay training a couple of weeks ago and a director there shared a beautiful analogy that I  haven’t been able to get out of my head. She held out a styrofoam cup and talked about what would happen if she stepped on it or crushed it with her hand.  Of course it would be destroyed, but none of us would be too heartbroken over it because it was just a styrofoam cup.  Then she held out a beautiful goblet. She asked us what would we think or feel if she stepped on it or smashed it against the wall. Obviously, the reaction would be a little different because she had just destroyed this beautiful, elegant, valuable glass. Then she said:

How many times do we see ourselves or our lives as a cheap styrofoam cup and not as the beautiful, radiant vessel that God made us.  As a vessel that can reflect his light and beautifully display all that he has chosen to pour into us?

I thought this was a beautiful analogy that really made me think. I know that I am a child of God, but do I see myself as He does?