Today’s challenge is “Your Biggest Insecurity & Something About Yourself You Are Proud Of.”   Hmm… I actually had to ask my husband what he thought my biggest insecurity is because I could think of a lot.  I have major trust issues. This would be stemming from being married to an a$$ who cheated on me and left me with 3 small children.  You would think finding an awesome man like my husband today– loving him in a way I never knew existed and having his constant love and support would squash that insecurity. I guess in some ways it does, because I honestly believe he would never hurt me like that. But then I get nervous because I know if he did the same things my ex did, it would kill me. If I think about something that devastating happening, I can’t even breathe.  I guess my insecurity would actually be the lack of belief that someone can love me enough to stay. That’s a little deep for this meme, but… yeah. I struggle.

I also hate my body. Haaaaaate my thighs, butt, stomach, and right now I even hate my toes because I hit my big toe on a door and half the nail fell off. LOL  And I type all that as I sit here eating Milk Duds… I was so thin 10 years ago and now… blech. I feel like crap. Moving on…

I am most proud of how I am raising my kiddos. They tell me all the time I’m a “cool mom,” but I’m not one of those moms that try to be a friend and not a parent. I try to draw on my experiences of being a “juvenile delinquent” and not jump to conclusions, LISTEN and remember sometimes kids are just dumb and they aren’t doing things to hurt ME- it’s rarely about me at all.  I may not parent the way books tell you to, or how my parents did or anything else, but my kids are respectful, stay out of trouble, and extremely beautiful, if I do say so myself… So I think I’m doin’ ok.

 

I went to an Easter egg hunt with Livie the other day. A friend from church hosted it at her house. Livie was so confused when I told her we were going on an Easter egg hunt because it wasn’t dark. I’ve written about our annual  nite time egg hunts and those are the only egg hunts she’s been on. lol She figured out the egg hunt really quickly and left with almost 20 eggs. Then she and Taj dyed eggs and stuff candy into plastic eggs for our nite time hunt that we’ll do on Monday. We have to move everything around because Sei works Sunday nite and the older kids will be at the ex’s til Sunday nite.  But the eggs are ready to go, yo! Now I just need to round up some flashlites…

While I was at the hunt with Livie there were a group of women talking about divorce. If you were in that group and you’re reading this don’t think for a second that I took offense to the conversation- I didn’t at all. I’m just writing about my observations. The conversation came up because we were talking about Facebook statuses and stuff and how we find out major stuff, like someone is getting divorced, via Facebook. Then they went on to talk about how marriage is like no big deal to some people and people are getting divorced right and left. All that is totally true. But being a divorced woman I also know how easily divorce can come about when only one person is working to make the marriage work. I also know how devastating divorce can be to a family and how you are stuck dealing with crap because of the decision to divorce forever- even if divorce was the right choice. It sucks eggs. I’m kinda down with going back to Biblical laws. Then I would have been a widow instead of a divorcee. haha

Monday we’ll be celebrating my dad’s birthday as well as Tristan’s. My dad’s was Friday and Tristan’s is Tuesday.  I can’t believe I’ll have a 15 year old. What a trip. And on Friday Isabel will be 11!!! I am blessed to have really good kids. And I’m excited to celebrate these bdays with them!!! I guess I should get moving on gettin’ a cake for the party Monday. And now that I’m thinking about it… I have nothing planned for Easter dinner. Sei will be sleeping or leaving for work and Taj and Liv are down with corn dogs or ramen noodles, so I guess there’s nothing really to plan. I can’t really say that is a bad thing- I don’t really like to cook. haha

Hope y’all have a wonderful Easter weekend.

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Last nite I had a dream. Most of the time I wake up and vaguely remember that “yes” I dreamed something but that’s about it. This morning I woke up thinking, “I love my husband!!!”  My dream sucked eggs big time. I don’t know all the circumstances surrounding the dream, but apparently Sei and I were divorcing or something. I just remember calling him “Babe” like I do all the time and he said, “You don’t get to call me Babe anymore.” I tried to kiss him later and he said, “You don’t get to kiss me.” And the way he said it broke.my.heart. I know I said something to him about him needing someone to watch Taj and Liv during the day. (I guess I lost custody.) and volunteered to do it and he told me I’d have to get a “real job.” WTH?!?!

I woke up STRESSED and CONFUSED. I didn’t know what the heck was goin’ on and I sure didn’t know *why* I had such a dream?!!? But I DO know that I love my husband and that small glimpse into life without him SUCKED. I don’t want to experience it ever. So Sei- I call dibs on dying first. Just sayin’…

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Y’all gon’a make me lose my mind up in HERE, up in here
Y’all gon’ make me go all out up in here, up in here
Y’all gon’ make me act a FOOL up in HERE, up in here
Y’all gon’ make me lose my cool up in here, up in here

(DMX – Party Up)

Let me preface this post by saying – I love Taj and Liv. I do. They are awesome and I am so thankful to have them. The summer Tristan, Alec and Isabel went to Texas and I was pregnant with Taj was the worst summer ever. I didn’t know what to do. I was bored to tears, lonely, and fat. I am so thankful I have Tajy and Livie & I don’t ever have to send them away to anyone for visitation. They’re awesome. But holy crap- I had forgotten what it’s like to have 2 small children- and no older ones. I’m so used to having and 3 year old and 17 month old at home during the day. But at 3pm I kinda get a break because the older kids come home from school. I take Izzy to gymnastics and can run to the grocery store without taking the little ones with me. There’s other kids home to take Taj outside to ride his bike, jump on the trampoline, play Transformers, etc…

The last 5 weeks with the older ones are gone…ugh. There is no 3pm break time. Whaa. I am so glad I only have 6 days until my kiddos come home. I am so bored. Sooooooooooo bored. And not motivated to do anything. (Except blog, but that’s important!) I don’t wanna cook dinner. I don’t wanna clean the house. I don’t wanna go outside- even with our new beautiful yard. I just wanna stay inside, drink diet Dr. Pepper, and sit on my butt. Could I be a little depressed? Quite possibly…
I’ve tried to be proactive and force myself out of the house. I signed Taj up for swim lessons and he absolutely loves it. Livie and I are taking a Mom & Me class. Holy Gay!! I feel so stupid singing “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” as we walk along the pool wall. And Livie senses the gayness because she screams the entire time. Not because she’s scared of the water, but because she wants me to put her down. Since we’re in 3 feet water I can’t put her down. We’ve left “class” everyday early to play in the shallow water. She’s in heaven. But then she goes psycho when it’s time to leave. So, yeah, that’s always fun.
The kids come back next Thursday. They fly in a little after noon and then Kelsea and Karlea arrive about 3 hours later. So, we’ll go from 2 to 7 kids. And I am SO LOOKING FORWARD TO IT! Am I crazy? Maybe. I’m realizing that I’m just a lame little kid mom now. With the 1st three I didn’t know how awesome it could be to have older kids, so I rocked at being a little kid mom. We went to the library. We played at McDonalds. I made felt books! (When you read that say it like Lloyd on Dumb and Dumber “Our pets heads are fallin’ off!!) Yeah, well, I don’t know what happened to that mom. She got old I guess. Or figured out you could just buy felt books. You don’t have to make them…

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