You know when you have a realization, out of the blue, and it’s like a litebulb has turned on? I had one of those this weekend. I was at a training conference for Mary Kay all weekend. I love my Mary Kay meetings because it’s ME time, I always leave uplifted and motivated. This weekend was no different- only better. But the litebulb moment was close to the end of the conference. I was quickly taking notes while a National Sales Director spoke. I had a special notebook with a cute pen and it hit me, “Do I ever take notes at church?” I am at church every week, studying the life of my Savior, and I rarely take notes. What the heck am I thinking? Usually I am just happy to make it to church on time with all my kids in tow and I often say, “I didn’t get anything out of church today!” But you know why? I don’t think I’m really listening. I’m just there, going thru the motions, taking up space, and usually a bit frazzled. So, this Sunday I made sure I was more prepared so I could get to church on time without a mad rush. I brought a notebook and took notes. Nothing in particular, just anything that jumped out to ME. And it made such a difference. I left feeling like I had learned something. I left feeling like I had done more than just take up space. Wow. Duh!! And wow- the choir’s number was A.MA.ZING. I had chills all over. It was beautiful. It touched me.

So, I am excited to take notes in the future. To find things in the talks I hear that speak to me. I am excited to “get” something out of church. I am excited to prepare myself more so I am ready to receive those things. I am happy to actually care. The past year or so I haven’t cared. I have been so unhappy and lost. More lost and out of hope than I think I’ve ever felt.  More than during my divorce. More than when my sister died- which is hard for me to comprehend- but I was so out of hope. I am happy to be out of that place. There’s still crap going on, but it will be easier to get thru and accept now that I see a lite again.

Look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. – Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

I was reading an article the other day that really hit home.  It was a great article that spoke about looking forward to the future and not looking back on the past. Sometimes I have a hard time with the past for several reasons:

1. Being younger was easier.
2. I made a lot of mistakes and I still beat myself up about them.
3. I was hurt really badly by someone who shouldn’t have hurt me.

But here’s the conclusions I’ve come to:

Of course I miss the carefree days of youth, but I’m also one of those people who say “HELL NO!” when asked if I’d do high school again. If I DID do it again, I’d do it very differently. But I don’t long for those days.   I don’t long for any days that don’t include Seiuli. I love my husband.

Mistakes I made aren’t gonna go away. And sometimes being a good Christian is hard- especially when you add being a “good Mormon” on top of it. Some of the “bad” things I did in the past I wish  I could do now. I admit it. I love this quote from Neal A. Maxwell:

Such people know they should have their primary residence in Zion, but they still hope to keep a summer cottage in Babylon.

I don’t want to be “such people.”  I can honestly say that those life experiences have shaped me a TON as a parent and a person. I have come to the point where I am thankful I was a stupid, butthead. Seriously. I see my children’s mistakes in a whole new lite- in ways even  Seiuli has a hard time seeing them. My mistakes have helped me immensely. I am thankful.

As for the sucky person past…. I know I’ve mentioned my ex on my blog.  Anyone who’s read for a while knows he cheated on me when our kids were 2, 4 and 6 and now his mistress is the stepmom to my children. It’s a crappy situation. I hate seeing family pictures from their house that have him, her and the kids Sei and I have raised. But I can’t do anything about it, so I have forgiven him for his affair. I did that years ago. I’ve forgiven him for all the stupid crap he’s pulled since 2002- lol. Thankfully God has blocked most of it out. I’ll read an old email and I’m like, “WTH? He did that?!!?!?” Any animosity towards him now is from crap in the here and now. I’m not a saint. When he drags me to court over stuff that I truly feel are not in the best interest of the children, yeah… I’m gonna be upset. But after reading the great article I did realize- I am not holding grudges for the past. He hurt me- a lot. It took me years to get over that. I’m still recovering from a lot of my “warpedness” caused by his choices and his actions.  His choices were not fair to me or my kids. But my goal is to make sure that my response and reaction to his choices and actions NOW are only based on “the NOW.“  I want to make sure that I am always moving forward. I will no longer let the past direct my future.

To all such of every generation, I call out, “Remember Lot’s wife.” Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ truly is the “high priest of good things to come” (Hebrews 9:11.)

What are your goals for the future?