As we were sitting at the table eating I started thinking (and these are my exact thoughts so sorry- I didn’t sensor anything), “How the hell did I end up with such a rad man? What the hell is he doing with me?? There’s no way he loves me as much as I love him.”When another meeting is announced at church or something he totally just goes- no complaining. Me- I whine about him going and try to talk him out of it. I am bad.
He plays the piano by freakin’ ear & sings and I… don’t. I can’t sing. I can’t dance. I can’t play the accordian. I must have gone to the bathroom or something when God handed out musical talents…
Anyway… my point is that sometimes I get so insecure and really wonder why Seiuli would pick ME of all the tens of thousands of women on Ldssingles.com (that sounds really funny, but whatev). I mean, there are people his mom would have liked immediately rather than taking 5 years to warm up to and then decide that her son must like me for some reason so I must be ok.
There are girls that are not shy and would have been fine meeting his 4000 family members and not come off as a stuck up winch.
There are girls without bumpy thumbnails. (Mine have ridges!!)
There are girls that are skinny naturally and don’t have back fat.
There are chicks who like Kobe Bryant.
There are chicks that can fix their daughter’s hair super cute.
There are women that actually iron and clean and ENJOY cooking.
The list could go on and on.
So when these thoughts come into my head I have to ask myself if all those other women in my head that I think would be better for my husband:
Yeah- I didn’t think so. I win.
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“You made a time machine… out of a Delorean??”Or when eating a gallon of ice cream could make all your problems disappear rather than just make your pants not fit?
And when a cheating partner meant you dump him and spread rumors rather than spend the rest of your life sharing kids and hiring lawyers?
Have you ever wished to be back in the day when you played sports so working out was fun, rather than… work?
Back when if your jeans didn’t fit anymore it meant you grew up and not out?
I had a tshirt that said what my title says. Except B.S. stood for Bull$h!* and B.U. stood for “Butthead University.” My mom thought it was funny. Idk why… 
Anyway… my point is that I didn’t always deliberately do or not do things to irritate my parents. Take 8th grade for example. I wasn’t a troublemaker yet and my friends were good kids for the most part. We all decided to be wild and tell our parents we were going to see “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” but instead we’d have one kid’s older sister buy us tickets to “Pretty Woman” instead. You know- typical 13-14 year old stuff. Ok, ok- so that part was deliberate. But the next part wasn’t. My friend Shannon had an unexpected visit from Aunt Flo… so we headed across the street to buy her tamp0ns. We missed our movie, so we decided to go to the later one. It never once crossed my mind to call my parents to let them know I would be home later. In my head I was covered because I had a ride home, so for some reason it never registered that I should tell my parents I would be home 3 hours later than originally planned. Yeah… duh.
—————–
So, Seiuli is working today and one of his fellow officers gets a call. A woman has called 911 because there is something suspicious on her porch. It’s broad daylite, so she can see clearly what is it, but still… she thinks it is “suspicious” and wants an officer to come check it out- STAT.
Wanna know what it was?
Go ahead…. guess.
…
….
Yep. One very suspicious empty egg carton… WTHeck???
Tonite I had a case of deja vu. (Say that like Sloth saying “BA-BY RUUUUTH.”) My butt was kicked clear back to a basketball tournament in the 8th grade. At the tournament I was hyper and acting like a goofy 13 year old I’m sure. I was all sweaty and what not, too. I asked a boy- I think he was from another school- a question. I don’t remember what is was. But I do remember his answer. He just looked at me and said, “Man, you are ugly.” I was shocked and didn’t know what to say. I think my brilliant comeback was, “No I’m not!!” (Yeah. Good one Tori. “That’s what you are but what am I??? LOSER!!)
Well, tonite Tristan called from his youth activity asking me to bring his scout shirt. We had been out all evening and just dropped him off for scouts without it. I threw on my flip flops and my Longhorn hat and cruised up to the church. When I got there 3 boys ranging in ages probably 12-14 were riding around in the parking lot on their bikes. When I got out of the car I clearly heard one boy say, “Holy cow! She is uuuuugly!!” I assumed they were talking about someone else because I’m so hawt! Then I heard another say, “Yeah she is! Whoa.” I looked around and didn’t see any other person, let alone female, in the near vacinity. They were talking about me. I just ignored them and ran the shirt in. When I came back outside one of the punks was parked close to my Yukon. He full on stared at me and then rode around to his friends while he said, really loudly, “Man, beyond ugly!!” I was stunned. I couldn’t think of one smart-a$$ comment to throw back at him- and that’s rare for me. I’m full of smart-a$$ comments! Where was ElasticWaistbandLady when I need her??? I just got in my car and backed out full speed hoping one of the buttheads was just a little too close to my bumper. Then I could jump out when he’s face down on the ground, 1/2 his face torn off, bleeding profusely and yell, “Who’s ugly now?!? Bawahahahaha!!”
I drove home and was totally surprised by how I felt. I felt like crying. Why? Like I give a crap what some pre-pubescent kid thinks about me. Why was he looking at an old lady anyway?? Weirdo. But apparently I did care. I don’t know why. Maybe because I have a 12 year old and I don’t want to be one of those ugly, frumpy, embarrassing moms. Or maybe because I don’t want anyone to think I’m ugly. I don’t know. But it hurt my feelings. Stupid, I know. And I’m 1/2 joking as I type this. But, dude. What is up with obnoxious, rude kids?? Those boys are the ones that will have girls starving themselves or worse because some butthead told them they’re ugly. It makes me mad. And it makes me think I should have aimed better when I backed out.
As most of y’all know, I was married before as was my husband. We both have children from these marriages. We married each other almost 6 years ago and it’s been RAD. But let me tell ya, the first couple of years were a huge adjustment. It almost seems that the people who had the hardest time adjusting weren’t the kids or Seiuli or myself. It was all the outside people- extended family and whatnot. Divorces and remarriages happen in almost every family at some point, so as a public service I am going to name a few things that the family and friends of the newly re-married should and should not say or do. (I’ll be giving it from MY point of view, as the woman marrying into a family, but it can work both ways.) I’m not bitter (anymore) and none of these things have taken place in years and some never actually happened to me. I just thought it could be helpful.
- Do not introduce me to people as the “new wife” as I stand there with 5 kids. I’m not a car. He didn’t trade in the old one for a new one. I’m his wife. If you’re going to add an adjective in front of the word “wife” just say “beautiful” or “hot” or “thin”…
- Do not say things like “You don’t need to have a big reception because he had a big one last time.” Um, ok. Should we just hang up pics from our other weddings and call it good? I guess could ask No Cool Story to Photoshop them. And while we’re at it- why have children? Why have $ex? We’ve both done that before too…
- Do call me by the correct name. For example, do not call me his ex’s name or by my old last name. Try hard to address me by my married name. It will show us that you have moved on just as we have.
- Do not constantly compare me to the old spouse. Even if you’re trying to compliment me. And no, I don’t want to see pictures or old videos!!!
- Do not tell me my children with my husband look like his children from his other marriage. If this is the case then most likely his other children look like him. Just say our children look like him. No offense to anyone, but I don’t want to hear my kids look like another woman’s- unless the other woman is my mom. Guys don’t care quite as much… in fact, Sei thinks I’m totally retarded. Hell, Maybe I am…
- Do not keep an old wedding picture hanging in your living room for your daughter’s husband to see. In fact, do not leave any pictures of the ex hanging anywhere for your daughter’s husband to see. (and vice versa)
- You are not required to remove all pictures of the ex in photo albums, etc… as it may be years and years of pictures. (Although my sister in law did remove all the old pics. Or actually Sei did with his niece’s help.)
- Be respectful of the children in a intergrated family. Do not ask in front of all the children “Ok, so which one are yours??” This doesn’t refer to every case, but in my case Isabel was 2 when I married Sei. She’s never known anyone as her daddy but Seiuli. So when people ask him “Which girls are yours?” he always replies “They all are.” If you don’t know how integrated the family is or the circumstances of the “step” children and their biological fathers, then don’t ask things like that in front of them. Isabel always gets a little more clingy to Seiuli after situations like this. She wants to be “his” too.
- Unless you’re actually a close friend and you know all the crap that has gone on with exes, don’t constantly ask what’s going on with his/my ex. We try not to think about them if we don’t have to…
Man, I know there are so many more things I could list. I’m just drawing a blank… I’m sure I’ll have more to add by the end of this reunion… hee hee;)
