I’ve decided on a major for school. I am going to get a B.S. in Family Studies. My hope is to become a victim’s advocate. I would love to work to help raise awareness of domestic violence. It has been an important cause to me for years. I want to make a difference. I want to help those hurting. Family Studies opens up a lot of different possibilities.  Possible careers could be in crisis centers, shelters, social services, child protection services… and more.

How’d I decide on this major? When I was younger I used to collect the cards that come in the mail with missing children on them. I was going to save all those kids. I used to make notes on the cards about places I should look, how old they are now, etc… I also collected newspaper articles about abused children because I was going to adopt them. I remember a youth activity at church where we went to a women’s shelter and played with the children there. I’ve never forgotten how broken they looked… confused… And the moms just looked defeated.   I just wanted to help people who were hurting. However,  I don’t think I want to be a counselor. I don’t know if I’d be very good at that. I just want to be there the hug them when they are the most scared and uncertain. Who knows if I’ll find the job I have envisioned in my head, but I’m going to try… Wish me luck!

Something happened last nite that I think has changed me forever. It happened down the street from me. Those living in Utah probably heard about it on the news last nite and this morning. About 8pm we saw police cars pull up in front of our house. We saw a police man get out his shotgun and walk down the street instructing people to go in their homes. About 20 minutes later we saw an ambulance leave. 1/2 an hour passed and the cops slowly started to leave. We found out from a neighbor that a woman had been shot in her back by her live-in boyfriend as she and her 2 boys tried to run from him. The 2 boys (age 8 and 11) are friends of my children. They come up a few times a week to play flag football in the front yard. The oldest son is in Tristan’s class at school and he is the one who called 911, hysterical, saying his mom had been shot. My heart is just breaking for these boys. I have seriously been crying since last nite. Everytime I picture these kids running for their lives, seeing their mom shot by a man who I’ve seen outside playing with them…

Oh it makes me so sick. I have so many mixed emotions right now. I feel guilty. Why? Because I felt these boys weren’t from the best family setting (obviously) so I wasn’t thrilled when they were the only kids coming to play with my kids. Sei and I let them play though, but instructed our children not to go to their home. I’m not sure why… I feel horrible for feeling a little bugged that of all the kids in the neighborhood “those boys” were the ones playing with my kids. They showed up every time my kids went out in the front yard- like they were waiting for them. They probably were. Maybe they liked to leave their home because they felt safe here. Or maybe I just suck for judging when I know nothing about them.

I feel scared. I mean, we live in a safe neighborhood and a murder happened a few house away from us. Our city ranks 38th on CNN “Best Places to Live” list. If it can happen here, it can happen anywhere. (That was made obvious by the shootings in the Amish school.)

I’m pissed. I don’t want my kids to actually know someone who was murdered. I don’t want my kids to know that people murder people they supposely love. I don’t want my kids to know that moms die. I mean, I know these are all facts of life, but to have it hit so close to home. I want to go visit that man or write him a letter telling him thank you so much for making my 7 year old daughter so scared she wouldn’t sleep in her room last nite. Freakin’ loser.

I feel so much pressure. I feel like I need to teach my kids everything, right now, because life is short. I don’t know when I’m going to die. It could be tonite. I want them to know how much I love them. I want them to know how important the gospel is to me. I want them to know that it really wasn’t a big deal that they got all their shoes soaking wet and muddy yesterday. I’m sorry I yelled at them.

Ugh. I am so upset right now. This just totally woke me up. I need to be less judgemental. I need to realize that getting dirty is ok- they were entertained for hours and playing without fighting!! I need to quit whining. I need to be more patient. I need to be a better mom, wife and person in general. I wonder if the mom killed last nite ever had all these same thoughts I’m having? She doesn’t get a chance to fix her imperfections. I do. I vow to do better. Everyday I will improve myself. I’m so sad it took this tragedy to make me feel this way.